The Oddity of Jim Kirk
by AHJack
Summary: Jim Kirk is the sun. You look at him and you cannot look away, because he is everything you ever wanted to be, and you cannot help but fall in love. Everyone that works with him on the Enterprise cannot help but fall in love with Jim Kirk, because he loves them without even knowing their names. Jim Kirk is also completely and utterly dead inside.


Jim Kirk is the sun. You look at him and you cannot look away, because he is everything you ever wanted to be, and you cannot help but fall in love. Everyone that works with him on the Enterprise cannot help but fall in love with Jim Kirk, because he loves them without even knowing their names.

Jim Kirk is the sun. His gravitational pull on everyone on the Enterprise is absolute, and no one has ever complained.

Jim Kirk is also completely and utterly dead inside.

* * *

When Jim and Bones first met, on that God-forsaken shuttle that Bones threw up on, they could both tell they would be good friends. Jim accepted all that Bones was easily, and Bones appreciated that. He had so much fucking baggage with him that he didn't need anyone else's.

Their time at the Academy together strengthens that initial friendship. Jim leaves Bones alone when he needs solitude, and Bones picks up the pieces of Jim when he breaks apart. They share their life stories to each other- Bones talks about his shitty father and the poverty he lived in, the shattered heart he had when Jocelyn wanted a divorce, the shattered pieces being ground down to dust when he had to explain to Joanna that he wouldn't be seeing her very often. Jim talks about his absent mother, his abusive stepfather, Tarsus IV, every bar fight that's ever broken his bones further. And they accept every single piece of each other.

The day they accept each other is the day Bones falls in love with Jim.

When Bones finds Jim peering over the ledge of a cliff they're hiking, not a single sense of fear evident on Jim's face, it's all he can do to keep from sobbing. Jim is so _broken,_ and Bones feels like there's nothing he can _do._

* * *

Scotty falls for Jim almost immediately. Seeing those blue eyes cut through his humor and poor attempts at keeping everyone away made his heart flutter violently, and Scotty knows that he would do anything for this man. He enjoys the moments they get together, when Jim gives Spock the captain's seat and joins him in the Enterprise's underbelly, crawling around on their bellies looking for what makes her tick. Jim's surprisingly vast knowledge of engineering makes their conversations long and absolutely fascinating, and Scotty thinks he can never really get enough.

When he finds Jim's hand hovering over the button that would throw him violently out into space, not letting it go but not pressing it, he realizes that Jim is not perfect. This sun that he orbits around is made of broken pieces, and all he can do is repair him to the best of his abilities.

* * *

It takes Uhura a long time to realize what Jim means to her. They're good friends, of course. Nyota knows that Jim would give up a lot for her, and for the Enterprise, but she doesn't know just _how much_ he's willing to give up. They're on a simple mission gone horribly wrong, when it happens. She's being held prisoner, but Kirk takes her place. The rebels wanted someone to ransom off to the Klingons holding their leader at gunpoint. They grabbed her, because she was the closest. After a rushed conversation that not even _she_ can understand, they let her go, and grab Kirk.

He urges her to _go,_ run as fast as she can and hail the Enterprise and get them the _fuck_ out of here. She follows his lead, but she's sobbing the whole way because as the gun is held to his temple, his head twitches into it. The movement isn't voluntary, but Kirk does nothing to change it.

It's when she's got his still form in her arms, hours later in the medbay, that she realizes she loves him. And she wants to help, goddamnit, because _no one_ should feel like he does.

* * *

Chekov knows his devotion to Kirk is almost hero worship. But it takes him a long time to realize that his hero worship isn't that, but love. He's so young that he's never really experienced anything like it. He's 20 when it happens. He's talking to Jim about _math_ , of all things, when blood starts to drip from Jim's nose.

"Keptin, your nose!" Pavel speaks up, interrupting whatever Jim was saying. Jim's hand moves up, wiping away the blood there. He inspects his finger, but he doesn't seem concerned. It's so detached that it startles Pavel. He's never seen his Captain with a nosebleed before, so he knows it's not common, but Jim doesn't _care._ He wipes the blood off on his pants, and picks his sentence back up. Pavel doesn't want to bring it up, but sends Bones a message about it.

He wishes he were the one to wipe the blood away, because he had more than enough concern for the both of them.

* * *

Sulu fell in love with Jim the moment he realized that Jim jumped off the drill to catch him. When they're holding each other, falling quickly to a swift and sudden death, it jarrs Hikaru just how calm Jim is. They hold eye contact, and through his panic, Jim is just breathing. He's not hyperventilating, he's not crushing Sulu, he's not _worried._ Jim acted like he's been rehearsing this his whole life.

Just over a year later, they're in the training room, sparring. Jim had expressed interest in Sulu's training in fencing, so he's showing his Captain the ropes. They've been going at it for an hour, when Sulu fucks up. His sword is at Jim's neck, instead of his chest where it should be, and Jim says nothing. His body leans slightly towards the sword, his head tilting away to bare itself more. Jim is welcoming the sword to the important veins in his neck, and Sulu can't help but drop the sword in shock.

Jim's body falls back into it's normal stance, but he still doesn't say anything. Sulu holds onto him like the lifeline he was when they first met.

* * *

It's Spock who actually talks to him about it. It should be ironic, because Vulcans aren't known for their emotions… _and yet._

Spock requests entrance to Jim's room, and it's accepted. The Captain is sitting on one of his overstuffed chairs, reading a book.

"Spock, what can I do for you?" Jim asks happily, setting the book down. He gestures to the other chair across from him, and Spock takes the seat.

"Captain-"

"Spock, how many times do I have to tell you? When we're not on the Bridge together, it's _Jim."_

"Very well. Jim, I realize that this question is very… personal, but after many situations brought to my attention by other officers on the Enterprise, I see it is only logical to ask you."

Jim's dazzling smile fades, and it's replaced with concern.

"What's this about, Spock?" He asks, hesitant and scared.

"Why do you dislike yourself?" Spock blurts, rather suddenly. The question is met with silence. All the emotion is gone from Jim's face, leaving behind an empty maw. Spock does not like it. "I ask only because the situations presented to me were when you were in serious danger, and you showed no concern of your own life. Jim, if you require a brief period of time away from-"

"No." Jim interrupts. Spock lifts an eyebrow, but lets his Captain continue. "Spock, I don't dislike myself. I _hate_ myself. But that feeling has been a part of me for so long that I don't think about it anymore. It's just… it just sits there, in the back of my mind." Jim shrugs, as if he's talking about the weather, and not of his own self-worth. "It- I know I shouldn't feel like this. But I do. I've hated myself ever since I can remember. I don't know what it's like _not_ to." He finally looks up, meeting Spock's eyes. The previously sky-blue is now grey, dead and empty. "I've only learned how to show emotion. Not how to like myself." Jim's head lolls to the side, but they keep eye contact. His eyes are so dead _(empty dead dead dead like the black hole swallowing vulcan-),_ and there is no life in his body. It just sags there, letting the Enterprise's fake gravity take hold. "I'm supposed to be scared of this feeling. But I can't make myself feel scared."

Spock isn't sure what to do now. It would be logical to take the Captain to the medbay, and have Dr. McCoy administer the correct medication, but his human side told him that this situation required something else. Logic was hard to apply to Jim Kirk. Spock knew that by now.

"Cap- _Jim._ I do not know what to say here. And for that, I apologize." Spock speaks up. Jim's head picks up now, and his body shifts upright.

"Me neither, Spock. I never do. There's nothing to be sorry for, it's not your fault. I was born with a messed up head. I don't want to burden anyone else with it."

"Jim, that is where you are illogical the most. It is not a burden to share what is troubling you with the people that love you."

Jim blinks, stares, and blinks again. He does not know what to say, but the small spark of life that appears in his eyes tells Spock that he's getting somewhere.


End file.
